How do you rebound? What are the keys to bouncing back from hard times? From a bad break up, death, medical diagnosis or even upsetting developments at work ? What does it take for you to get your groove back? For me, it usually takes 6 steps.
Everyone reacts differently to such things. We all have our own ways of processing; some more effective than others. Some of us get swallowed up by the grief and devastation. Some of us deny our experience. Some of the more adept among us find the space in between.
The darkness that accompanies grief and devastation can be vast and all consuming; sucking the light out of even our most steadfast sources of happiness. It strips us of hope and faith in the possibility of better days. The darkness tells us this is all there is and ever will be. It feels like nothing and no one could pull us out.
Denial of an emotional response is a learned defense that at some point kept us feeling safe. Feeling the loss and despair is messy, painful, and disruptive. We think: Who has time for that?! What’s the value in wallowing? As long as I keep moving and acting like everything is okay, it will be. I’ll be fine. I’ll process it later when I have time.Unfortunately, hurt, loss and grief are much more tenacious than that. They want to be seen, heard and felt.
What I have learned about bouncing back from hard times is that the best, quickest and healthiest way is through. You can’t avoid the pain. You can skirt it by going over, under, or around it, but it’s tentacles have a long reach that will hold you down and back. Initially, you may not even notice the grasp it has on you. Eventually, though the pain will seep deep into your daily life with such disruptors as frustration and anger. Attempts to avoid pain prolongs and entrenches it.
When I first started thinking about this topic this morning, my ego-mind was taking a vane victory lap. I was patting myself on the back for being more resilient these days. This self-encouragement is necessary, appropriate and possibly a little short-sighted. It’s true; I’ve come a long way from my days of defiant denial. I learned those skills in my youth when I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to do better. I paid the price dearly for all those evasive years.
In one scenario, I stuffed and denied for so long that the pendulum swung to the opposite extreme of total despair. For years, I’d been becoming more entangled in the pain’s tentacles until a trigger forced it to abruptly surface in the form of PTSD. I am grateful that healing my traumas was pivotal in the maturing of my emotional resilience. As a result, I have progressively developed these 6 steps for bouncing back from the hard times:
- Create a safe space to feel your feelings
- Release the resistance & allow the flow of your feelings
- Name your pain
- Reach out and share your feelings
- Do the work to heal
- Transform the feelings
I have learned that you have to create a safe space for them. Allow and acknowledge them. Make time to process the feelings whether it be by writing in your journal, going for walks, or simply sitting still in a cozy corner with a hot cup of tea.
Let the feelings pass through like the river they are; they torrents will give way to a glide. As scary as it is, don’t resist. When you cling to the riverbank, there is struggle and depletion that compounds the overwhelm of the rushing waters.
And what of that overwhelm? What do you do with it? How do you manage it? The overwhelm is to be acknowledged as well. Name it. Give it the shape it demands. The label will open a doorway to understanding.
Then share your feelings. Often a large part of the overwhelm is the sense of loneliness. The belief that you have to do this all alone and no one else understands is both very real and flawed. Feelings of pain, loss, and loneliness are universal. We can all relate in some way. Reach out. Talk to your partner, friend, doctor, or faith leader. Allow them to be with you, for you. When you name your experience, you allow yourself and others to see it for what it is. Naming and sharing the pain and overwhelm allows them to be held and transformed.
Most recently, I have used steps 1-5 to escape the dark abyss of despair and intense struggle of my illness. They allowed me to rebound enough to see the light and feel the hope. Having rebounded I have been able to then take the next steps of healing and transforming the pain.
Steps 6 and 7 are critical steps to bouncing back from hard times as well. Even if you have pulled through the initial torrent, you still need to do the work to reach the glide. The key is to unpack and understand not only the emotions but also how they are playing out in your life. Ask yourself: How are my emotions interfering with my life? What lessons can I learn from this experience? What changes do I need to make to stop the negative impacts? How do I incorporate the lessons into my ongoing way of being? Steps 6 and 7 can take time, patience, and persistence. Be gentle and keep at it!
May it be so!
