Girl, You’re Square Peg Don’t Fit in That Round Hole

The Wisdom of Your Inner Voice

There’s that intuitive voice speaking up again: Girl, your square peg don’t fit in that round hole! Yes, I know. Not proper English, but my Inner Voice can get a little sassy. And impatient. There are times I can visualize her smacking her ethereal forehead as she gasps, “Doh!” She gets weary of reminding me of the same things AFTER I’ve made yet another mistake; stopped listening, quit paying attention.

The First Whispers

That Inner Voice started chirping early in life. I didn’t fit in. It went beyond not feeling like I fit in. I didn’t. Even as young as 5 or 6, my life experience taught me that I was different. What “life experience” can inform a 5-year-old in such a way? Believe me, trauma can happen at any age. And it did. Trauma shaped me early. It changed me; made me different in how I saw and related to the world. At that point, my Inner Voice was trying to protect and soothe me. It motivated me to make changes to who I was and how I expressed myself in order to stay safe. My internal knowing also whispered a comforting message; “You are not truly alone. This is part of your path.” Did I consciously hear those whispers? No. But they gave me strength nonetheless.

Society Demands the Round Hole

Being true to who you are takes vigilance and practice. There are so many societal pressures from family, friends, and the larger community to fit in and follow the mainstream. The pressures may be overt like the assumed academic path to success; good grades and strong extracurriculars to get you into a great college that will prepare you for a traditional job that you’ll work in until retirement. Other pressures are more subtle, but equally potent. For example, the endless inundation of advertisements tells us what beauty is acceptable and expected. Each of us must remain vigilant to these indoctrinated messages. We must ask, “Is this true for me?”

She Insists Square Peg

In 3rd grade, my family moved out of state and I started a new school later than everyone else. Oddly, there were several new girls at that school that year. By the time I arrived, all the new friendships were locked in. I spent the next several years trying to “get in” with the cool kids. By 6th grade, I made my way in along the fringes. I hated discovering that the cool girls could be quite cruel to outsiders and even each other. I yearned to belong but was very uncomfortable with how people were being treated. By 8th grade, my Inner Voice had gained volume; “You are a square peg trying to fit into a round hole! These behaviors are not true for you. This is not who you are.” When I switched schools again for high school, I prioritized the quality of my interactions over being cool.

Resisting the Round Whole

We must practice healthy resistance. Cultural norms persist because the systems built around the norms create a channel of ease. Resistance, like most things, can be helpful or hurtful depending on how it is applied. To resist the norms may feel like the  wrong  choice because of all the gatekeepers meant to keep you “in line.” However, to resist your own inner voice; the truth of who you are, is far more damaging. Each of us is a unique ray of the collective light. We are meant to shine this light bright; expand the love, compassion, and beauty in the world through our unique gifts. We must resist the dictates of society that keep us from fully embracing our gifts and living out our purpose.

I fell hook, line, and sinker for the traditional path to success. I got good grades, excelled at extracurriculars, and went to a good college. Two, actually. When I started to “slip off the rails” by following my heart and working in low-paying environmental jobs, my loved ones acted as gatekeepers. Back on track, I found a corporate job where I stayed for 20 years. I was definitely a square peg in a round hole, but I used that to my advantage. I allowed my unique perspective and natural organization and facilitation skills to solve problems by bridging the communication gaps between diverse functional groups within the company. Over time, though, my Inner Voice began asserting herself, “This work is not true to you and what you are here to do.” I had several false starts at making a change. 

Then I got sick.

Clarity Through Illness

In the very beginning, my doctor told me, “Your brain is showing patterns consistent with Alzheimer’s.” My world shifted on its axis. Time was stripped away. As I tried to confirm this reality, the question was not a matter of “if dementia” but “which kind?” All my hopes and dreams were shattered. Then a diagnostic test caused a brain injury that suddenly ripped away my functionality. Death seemed to be at my doorstep. 

After several months, I finally found resources to help me begin to heal. As I came back up for air, I discovered a new lease on life. Being gripped so fiercely by the prospects of death brings clarity. Struggling so intensely just to survive defies any attempts at resistance. I simply no longer could choose anything but to be that square peg. 

Embrace Who You Are

It takes energy to resist who you are. Pieces of you splinter off your being as you try to shove it into an incongruent space. I no longer have the energy or pieces to spare. My drive to survive and desire to serve heightened my vigilance. My illness has given me crystal clarity about a healthy handful of my unique gifts and how to use them to expand the love and light, compassion and joy in this world. I have the dream and the vision.

Now, it’s a matter of getting my health to a level of wellness where I can live out that dream; make my vision a reality. As I continue in this vein, I have found that, even if I own my uniqueness at a high level, I am still getting tripped up. My biggest tripwire is the pressure to perform and produce as evidenced by my tendency to Push-Push-Crash. As I try to break this cycle and take charge of change, I am discovering that I am framing my day in a paradigm to perform.

I have been starting my day by filling out Brendon Burchard’s High Performance Planner. Brendon’s incredibly well-rounded framework for high performance does include good health as a primary pillar. The framework emphasizes the importance of habits that build and protect sustainable, consistent energy. And the end goal is high performance. My mistake has been my framing my day around performing when my true current need is to focus on healing. I finally heard that Inner Voice shouting out, “Girl, your square peg don’t fit in that round hole!” I’ve been crashing over and over because I don’t and can’t fit into the high performance paradigm. Not yet.

Choosing a Better Fit

So, I created my own morning checklist and planner. I incorporated questions that helped me orient towards healing and reinforce the thinking and behaviors encouraged by my care team. Now, I measure my success by how I feel, not what I produce. I am reframing my perspective to start where I am (healing), so that I can get to where I want to be (serving). Letting go of resisting what I need allows me to more fully lean into who I am. I am living and learning, practicing and progressing. To be so lucky!