Bump. Bump. I’ve done it again! Here I am once again dragging myself off the proverbial floor after getting caught in another Push-Push-Crash Cycle. Reflecting on where I went wrong this time brings me to the apparent conflict between my limitless soul and my finite human body.
A Rude Awakening
When I first got sick three years back and thought the end might be near, crushing clarity that I hadn’t fulfilled my soul’s purpose consumed me. I saw how the comfort and securities of life had locked me into a routine of the Golden Handcuffs. Long aware of being meant for something… different, I was too afraid to risk what I had built for my family with my husband.
In the fall of 2018, just before my world came crashing down, I took my first step towards change by starting a side hustle selling essential oils. Although this was a move forward, it was not my true north. And of course, that too fell away as my illness worsened.
While the awareness that I had not truly lived into my purpose drove so much of my recovery, it did not actually inform what I was planted on this earth to do. That would take time to unfold as I poured what little energy I had into recovery. In fact, my struggle and perseverance through the process of healing revealed my soul’s calling.
My Soul Purpose
I am here to ease the struggles of others going through long term health challenges. My purpose is to empower those with chronic illness to move out of fear, isolation and overwhelm into hope, healing and thriving. I am meant to partner with them to transform their experience of illness so that they can rediscover a life that they love.
A little over a year ago, as I pondered how my skills intersect with my experience, I received a divine download of the whole framework for how to live into this purpose. It was as if I was injected with High Octane Light from above. I haven’t been the same since.
On a daily basis, I feel as if my soul is ready to burst out of me. I feel it’s love and light pulsing through my bones. Yes, my bones. Not just coursing through my veins. It feels amazing! Mostly… but my soul energy outshines my physical capacity by light years. My body just can’t keep pace.
I am so determined to bring my vision forward that I ignore the warning flags that my body is throwing down; the fatigue and foggy thinking are the start of it. Not enough. Then a cold takes me down for the first time in ages. I rest into it… a bit…. I dedicate entire days to healing. Feeling a little better, I get back to it. Early warning signs again pushed off and I get whacked hard with another chest and head cold.
As a consequence, the story I’ve been telling is that being human is hard. That it just sucks to have all this incredible soul power stymied by my physical limitations. The more I look at it this way, the harder it gets. I feel myself growing more and more frustrated. I know I need to dig myself out and look at things differently
Upon reflection, I realize that I need to flip the script. My capacity to feel my soul power so vibrantly is a fantastic blessing. I chose to be here now for accelerated learning and growth created by the constraints of the human body. I wanted to learn how to contend with the human ego rooted in fear and separation.
When we succumb to the ego’s fears, the ego expands and the soul is crowded out. Conversely, when the ego’s fears are acknowledged and addressed, it calms down and contracts. So, my growth comes not from resisting or denying the ego, but rather tending to its needs so that there is space for my soul to expand. The gift is in learning how to live out my purpose in this body and reconnect to the love and light that we are.
What does this reframe look like in practical terms? First, I start with addressing my ego’s concern with time running out. Having come so close to the end, I feel the brevity of our lifespan intensely. At the same time, I know I am being guided by a Higher Power and that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. It’s a push-pull between these two forces.
I choose to align my actions with my faith so that my fear may be calmed.
Second, It looks like treating my body like the sacred vessel it is; nourishing it with quality food and deep rest. Third, it is getting back to daily habits such as journaling, affirmations, and meal planning to reinforce the first two.