Owning My Happy, Holding the And

Owning My Happy

I’m really happy right now. A giddy joy is oozing from my cells.In this moment, right now. I felt Happy cartwheel into my heart yesterday morning. The day before, I got my second Moderna shot. I had heard the second Moderna shot can be a doozy, so I had been a little anxious. But I didn’t assume that would be the case for me.  Instead, before the shot, I made sure to get my exercise in for the day. After the shot, I hydrated like a fish, nourished my body with healthy food, and took it easy. In the evening, as both my arm and head ached, I took a long soak in an epsom salt bath, and went to sleep at 8:15 buried under blankets to quell my chills.

And you know what? I woke up feeling fantastic! I was elated that I had come out the other side so easily and so relatively unscathed. What a gift!

Building to Happy

Although Happy has been throwing a party since yesterday morning, she has been growing and party planning for a while now. If you’ve been reading along, you know that I’ve been focused on breaking the Push-Push-Crash CycleGoing Deep, Not Wide; and owning my weird. Last Friday, I assessed where I was spending my time and where I wanted to be spending my time. I had two lists; a list of recurring daily and weekly activities, and a list of one-time activities. The recurring activities included my morning routine, doctors appointments, and kids’ needs. The one time activities included things like “identify nutrition plan,” “create detox strategy,” and “unpack limiting beliefs.” As I talked through these lists with a friend, I acknowledged how much time the recurring activities absorbed and, in an “Aha” moment, I realized that there were very few activities on my one-time list that brought me joy.

A woman laughing and tossing flowers in the air as she kneels in a field of poppies
Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

Tuning into Joy

So, this week I have been 1) valuing the recurring activities and 2) tuning into my joy list. First, recognizing the grace of time and space to do these recurring activities reduced my overwhelm and helped me to appreciate all that I am doing. Second, tuning into my joy list allowed me to take small steps to trigger my happiness throughout each day. For example, numerous times throughout the week I intentionally sat outside with my bare feet in the grass just because it brings me joy.  Those small acts of intention were deposits in my Happy Bucket. Then my smooth sailing through the second Moderna shot put my Happy Bucket into overflow! 

The Resistance to Owning My Happy

Here’s the thing: even when I feel happiness and joy pulsing through my veins, I have trouble owning my happy when talking with others. Yesterday, I had an appointment with an energy healer. As I expressed how happy I felt, she summed up, “So, you’re all good then?” I paused, reflected,  and resisted. I felt there was a false dichotomy in her question; if you’re happy, then nothing’s wrong. I wasn’t willing to claim that; it felt inauthentic. As I’ve said before, I believe in holding the and. Life is complicated; neither all black, not all white.

An outstretched baked top half of a woman overlaid with waving black and white lines
Photo by . liane . on Unsplash

Holding the And

In reflecting on my practitioner’s question, I saw the stressors that still loomed large in my life. I was afraid to agree with her that all was good because at the time I felt it negated the And that I was holding. I am happy and my pain has been increasing. And I have a massively important meeting next week where critical decisions will be made about my life by third parties who know little about me. And my kids worry me. And…

Besides feeling inauthentic, I was afraid that if I simply agreed with the practitioner without clarifying the “And,” she may stop helping me. I fear this with most people. I am afraid my acknowledgment of happiness will translate as “I don’t need you.”  Largely, I know this is an irrational fear, but it still gets me. The truth is I need my tribe;  my family, friends, and healers. Connecting with my family and friends is high on my joy list. Sure, I look forward to not needing my medical care team in the same way that I have over the last two years. Currently though, they are critical in helping me continue to heal and reach for my joy.

Friends gathered at sunset on a mountaintop overlooking a lake
Photo by Arthur Poulin on Unsplash

All is Good

Now, as I reflect on the practitioner’s question again, I can see that it is all good. As I’ve become more grounded in my healthful practices and acts of joy, everything feels better, more manageable.  My faith reminds me that all is good because a power greater than myself is guiding and protecting me; caring for me. Owning my happy is great. Holding the and is critical. Those who love me will themselves experience more happiness and joy from my happiness. Isn’t that what I truly want in my heart and soul anyway; to expand the love and light in the world by sharing it with others? Absolutely! I just want to be authentic about it; speaking my truth, owning my happy, holding the and.

I couldn’t think of a bolder way to own my happy, than to declare it here! I am blessed with an incredible husband and three amazing kids. Love flows easily into my life from family and friends through their thoughts, words, and actions. I’ve got a care team that feels genuinely vested in my healing and recovery. Fresh air and the beauty of nature is at my fingertips. Reasons to own my happy abound!

Woman standing with a happy smile in front of graffiti wall of hearts in a rainbow of colors
Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

3 thoughts on “Owning My Happy, Holding the And”

  1. Pingback: Riding the Waves of Chronic Illness - It's about the And

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