The High Heat Crucible of Illness

The Crucible of Illness

The crucible of illness has fired up the heat on my personal transformation and spiritual growth. Ultimately, this is a good thing. The extreme physical, mental and spiritual challenge of my illness has dramatically accelerated my becoming. I like who I am today better than the me from two years back. I wasn’t a bad person then, I just didn’t have today’s clarity of who I am, what is important, and what I want to do about it.

Just the other day, I was playing the “Would you rather” game with my daughter, Julia. She asked, “Would you rather get back five years of your life or have been sick this last couple of years?”

I felt an intuitive hit immediately but still gave myself a moment to ponder the question. I did not and would not have asked for this experience back then. However, looking back at how far I have come mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because of the intense physical struggle, I am grateful for who I have become. I am stronger and braver, more centered and aligned. Like in Rumi’s Guest House, I may have not sent the invite, but I sure as hell have made the most of the visits from a whole host of unexpected guests. For these reasons, I would not ask for this experience to be taken away. 

Symptoms as the High Heat of Illness

Over the past couple years, I have dealt with intense pain, spinning vertigo, massive migraines, and an ample smattering of cognitive symptoms. I traveled through the darkest depths of despair and lingered too long on suicidal thoughts. Any time lingering there is too long. Loss and grief have disoriented and consumed me. Loss of self, capacity, and relationship irreparably shattered me into a million little pieces.

The Transformation

Or so I thought. What I understand now is that I had to shed the person who I thought I was in order to allow my growth into a stronger, better, fuller self. I have let go of so much mental and emotional baggage that was weighing my body, mind, and soul down. As I released these elements that no longer served me, my spirit has expanded. Like in a crucible, the different components of me got thrown into the ceramic pot of learning over an extremely hot fire of illness. The impurities and slag separated out. What remains is a synergized clarity of who I am and how I can use both my God-given gifts and the lessons of my illness to serve others.

And I am still growing. Unfortunately, my healing is not complete. Even though I would not take away the experience of extended illness, I very much want to complete the healing and move on.  For example, recently I have been slammed with the worst vertigo attacks in months. They have truly leveled me. Not only has my world been spinning, but my word-find issues have sky-rocketed and my speech has been stumbling at times. I wake up feeling hungover. This is not quality living.

The Reality of Chronic Illness

These experiences get old and tiresome. I want the struggle to end. Herein lies my ongoing opportunity for growth. My illnesses; yes, plural, are chronic. AND I believe that I can get to a place of thriving and serving. But it’s a modified thrive. Even if I will never be a marathon runner, I can still find a rhythm in life that brings me peace, calm, and happiness. Some of the peace and calm comes from the acceptance that, with chronic illness, flares and setbacks will happen. And I’ll be okay.

Choosing the Becoming

My spiritual growth over the past couple of years has taught me that on a soul level I am whole, complete, and unbreakable. This perspective gives me strength in managing the overwhelming human struggles I face. Usually, if I take a step back and look at the big picture, I can see my struggles for the opportunities they are. Opportunities to grow, expand, and become. I choose this perspective. Instead of resisting these experiences, I choose to allow them to flow through me. Sometimes I get lost and disoriented in this crucible of illness. These days, though, I more and more quickly come back to my true north; I am a spiritual being having a human experience (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin). I am whole, complete, and unbreakable